


Peter Parker's Quarantine Adventures

by whatdoicallthis



Series: Peter Parker :) [2]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Avengers Tower, Domestic Avengers, Gen, Not Canon Compliant, Peter Parker has a YouTube channel, Peter Parker is a Little Shit, Tony Stark Acting as Peter Parker's Parental Figure
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-30
Updated: 2020-12-15
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:55:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,964
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24457039
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whatdoicallthis/pseuds/whatdoicallthis
Summary: Quarantining with the Avengers! A series of oneshots about Peter Parker's quarantine vlogs. Also posted on Fanfiction.net under idkwhattocallthis
Relationships: Peter Parker & Avengers Team, Peter Parker & Natasha Romanov, Peter Parker & Tony Stark, Steve Rogers/Natasha Romanov
Series: Peter Parker :) [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1985630
Comments: 10
Kudos: 218





	1. TikTok

"It's day twelve of quarantining with the Avengers, and I'm going crazy," Peter said into the camera. He was wearing his mask, so he wouldn't give his identity away. "This morning, Thor couldn't figure out how to work the toaster to toast his poptart, so he used his lightning, and the toaster ended up blowing up. Tony was pissed that Thor managed to blow up another toaster."

"Yes, I was," Tony said, popping his head into the camera. "I can't wait until Point Break goes back to Asgard."

"But Mr. Stark," Peter said, "we're on a stay-at-home order from the government!"

"And Thor's home is on Asgard," Tony responded. "Besides, he teleports there using the frosty thing. You would think he would be better off on a different planet that doesn't have the coronavirus, but he's staying here right now."

"You love Thor," Peter said. "You just don't want to admit it." Tony rolled his eyes.

"No, you love Thor. He's a little eccentric for my taste. That and he blows up all of my toasters. Someone really needs to teach him how to work those things."

"Bruce already tried," Natasha said, coming into the room. "It was no use. I guess it all went in one ear and out the other."

"Hi, Nat!" Peter said, flipping the camera around so that it showed her.

"Hi, ребенок паук," Natasha replied, smiling and waving to the camera. "Is this for your YouTube channel?"

"Yeah!" he said excitedly.

"How come everyone else gets called by their first name and I still get called Mr. Stark?" Tony asked, and he appeared in the camera again. "Is it so bad that you call me Tony?"

"He just likes us better, Stark," Natasha said, ruffling Peter's hair. Tony gasped and one of his hands flew to his heart.

"I can't believe what I'm hearing," he said. "I'm going to my lab, so I can cry and work on Mark L. Don't bother me for at least another twelve hours."

"Nat, do you want to make a TikTok with me?" Peter asked when Tony left.

"Of course, ребенок паук," she agreed. "What do I have to do?"

"Do you know how to do the Renegade dance? If not, I can teach you," he said. "There are other ones, too."

"Yes, I know the Renegade. I visited Clint's family right before this whole mess happened," she said.

Peter grinned and turned the camera to his face.

"Follow my TikTok," he said. "It's TheRealSpiderMan, but I'll link it in the description." The video cut to Peter standing outside Tony's private lab.

"I'm gonna prank Mr. Stark," Peter whispered at the camera as he entered the lab. He made sure the camera was on Tony, and he jumped on the ceiling and started crawling towards him. "Hi, Mr. Stark!"

Tony jumped out of his chair screaming when Peter landed on the table in front of him.

"Kid, you're gonna give me a heart attack," he said. "My death will be because of you. There will be no heroic superhero death. You will kill me."

"Mr. Stark, will you come join our Avengers TikTok?" Peter asked, giving him his best puppy eyes for good measure. Tony scowled.

"I thought you and Little Red were gonna do that by yourself," he said.

"We did! Then we decided to make one with all of the Avengers staying at the tower because that'll definitely go viral!" Peter said energetically. "Please?"

"Fine," Tony said, "but I'm doing this of my own free will, so don't get a big head."

"Yay! Thank you, Mr. Stark!"

The video cut to a side view of Peter, Tony, Natasha, Thor, Steve, Bruce, Sam, Wanda, Rhodey, Vision, and Bucky all standing in front of Peter's phone. Peter was clearly trying to teach them a dance, but most of them were failing.

"Wait, what comes after this thing again?" Steve asked as he did a motion.

"You clap in front of you," Peter said.

"How do you do the weird butt thing?" Bucky asked. "What's it called again? Throwing it up? That's disgusting."

"It's called throwing it back," Sam said.

"I don't think we should be doing that," Steve said. "It's a very vulgar move, and we're videoing this and posting it! Not to mention," Steve's mouth was covered with a black bar and a censor beep played over audio, "is a minor."

"Ah fuck. I can't believe you've done this! Don't name drop me," Peter said. "This is going on YouTube."

"Get over yourself, Capsicle," Tony said. "It's not the forties anymore."

"Man of Spiders!" Thor boomed. "I still do not understand why it is a good thing to be called a savage! On Asgard, savages have a tendency to get into violent fights when they are unnecessary, so they are locked up! Why is this lady singing of being a savage like it is a compliment?"

"On Earth, being called a savage is a compliment," Peter explained. "It's like calling someone awesome."

"Ah, I see!"

"Tony, move over! You're in my dancing space!" Rhodey yelled. Peter sighed and looked at the camera, à la The Office, and it changed to the Avengers recording the TikTok. It was now noticeably darker in the room, as the sun was starting to set.

"Oh my God, Capsicle!" Tony yelled, and everyone stopped dancing and groaned. Peter turned off the TikTok. "Just throw it back already! I know you're not completely innocent! I've walked in on you and Red way too many times to think that."

Steve blushed and Natasha threw a knife at him. It grazed right past his nose and embedded itself in the wall across the room. Tony screamed.

"Say anything else, and I will actually aim for your face," she threatened.

"Sorry, Natashalie!" he apologized. Natasha glared at the nickname, but didn't say anything else.

"Mr. Stark, Steve doesn't have to throw it back if he doesn't want to. It doesn't really matter," Peter said.

"You're even calling Rogers by his first name but not me?" Tony said. Everyone grinned. "When are you going to call me Tony, kid?"

"Never!" Peter responded. "Now let's get this TikTok done. We've been doing this for five hours now."

"I agree," Sam said. "I want to go back to Animal Crossing."

"I also agree with the Man of Spiders and the Son of Wil," Thor yelled. "I promised Loki that I would return to Asgard tonight."

"Start it up again," Rhodey said, and Peter started the countdown.

"Everybody get ready," he said. "This is gonna be the one. I can feel it."

"It better be the one," Tony grumbled. Natasha glared at him.

Finally, fifteen seconds later, after five hours of hard work, they had successfully made a TikTok. Everyone cheered.

"Oh, thank God!" Tony yelled after he watched it. "I'm going to go back to working on Mark L. See you guys next week!"

"I must journey back to Asgard," Thor said. "Thank you, Man of Spiders, for teaching me how to savage!"

"You're welcome, Thor!" Peter said as Thor flew out the window. A few seconds later, they saw the big flash of light and colors that told them that Thor had left.

"Tell me if it goes viral," Wanda said. Peter grinned.

"Oh, it definitely will," he said. "Wanda, come be in the vlog!" Peter grabbed the camera and put it on Wanda.

"Hi, vlog!" she said. "We just made a TikTok, and it took five hours, but we finally did it. If this doesn't go viral, I will riot."

"It will definitely go viral," Peter assured her.

"Everyone, go check out Spider-Man's TikTok!" Wanda said. Peter flipped the camera so that it was facing his face again.

"Why are you still wearing your mask, kid?" Rhodey asked. "We aren't filming the TikTok anymore."

"I know, but I'm making a YouTube video and it's under Spider-Man! I can't reveal my identity quite yet," he said. He looked back at the camera. "If this video reaches two million likes, I will do an identity reveal."

"Kid! No!" Tony screamed, running into the room.

"I swear, that guy has like a sixth sense. Whenever something happens with Peter, he always comes running," Bruce said.

"We will talk about revealing your identity later," Tony said.

"I was kidding, Mr. Stark," Peter said. "I'm not going to reveal my identity." Tony let out a breath. "Yet. I will tell you when I decide to, though."

"You better. I just came up to get some coffee. I ran out in my lab."

"That is the end of today's vlog!" Peter said to the camera. "See you guys tomorrow! Everyone say bye!" Peter flipped the camera so that everyone was in the shot.

"Bye!" they said in unison.


	2. Q&A with Iron Man!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Peter has his mask on in every video. I'm just putting that out there in case I don't explain it.

"Hey, vlog," Peter said to a camera in a whisper. "Cap is in the kitchen, so we're gonna scare him. Let's go."

A pair of elevator doors opened a few seconds later, and Peter tiptoed out and into the Avengers' living room. The video flipped upside down suddenly, as if he had just jumped onto the ceiling and started crawling towards the kitchen.

"Oh my God!" Peter cried, and the camera was right-side up again, although it was at a lower angle than normal. Peter had fallen off the ceiling. "I did not need to see that," he said, getting off the floor. "You guys just traumatized me and ruined my poor, innocent mind."

The camera showed Steve lying on top of Natasha on top of the table. Their heavy breathing and red faces made it pretty clear what they were doing before.

"That is disgusting! We eat on that table!" Peter cried. "My God, My God, why have You forsaken me?"

"[bleep], you better not be posting this on your MeTub account," Steve said, getting off of Natasha and putting on the PSA demeanor. Peter's snort could be heard from behind the camera.

"First of all, it's called 'YouTube,'" Peter explained, "and second of all, this is definitely going on my YouTube. Don't go all Captain America PSA on me. I've had to sit through way too many of those to be affected. Third of all, don't name drop me! We've been over this!"

"'Captain America PSA?'" Natasha questioned.

"Yeah! I'll show them to you later!"

"Don't you dare, Spidey," Steve said, correcting his previous mistake. "I'll never live it down. It's been years since the whole 'Language!' thing and they're still doing that!"

"I would find them anyways," Natasha said. "It won't make a difference if he was the one showing me. It would just make it a little bit easier for me."

"There's no way you're getting out of this, Steve," Peter said. "You cannot escape the wrath of the mighty Spider-Man."

"This is not your 'wrath,'" Steve said. "You're too cute to have wrath."

"I am not!" Peter cried.

"Yes, you are, ребенок паук," Natasha said. Peter shot her an affronted look. "You don't have a single angry bone in your body. You're too good for all of us."

"I can be angry," Peter said. He tried putting on a tough voice but failed miserably. Steve and Natasha burst into laughter. "What? I can!"

The camera cut to Peter and Tony sitting side-by-side on a couch.

"What are we doing, Spiderling?" Tony asked.

"A Q&A!" Peter answered. "I asked my Instagram followers for some questions about us or any of the other Avengers and we're going to answer them. It'll be fun!"

"Alright, kid. What's the first question?"

Peter looked down at his phone and read, "SpiderMan4Ever asks, 'Spidey, how old are you?' That is a good question, and I love your username. I am seventeen."

"Ask a question about me," Tony said, trying to grab Peter's phone. Peter held it away from him.

"Mr. Stark! I'm just reading the questions as they pop up! Have patience, young grasshopper," he said. Tony rolled his eyes.

"Fine."

"Okay, great! This one is from Bella_Daniels, and it says, 'This is for Iron Man. Which of the Avengers is your favorite, and which one is your least favorite?"

"My favorite Avengers is definitely not Spider-Man," Tony said.

"Hey!"

"I'm just kidding. It's definitely Spider-Man. I just try to avoid giving him a big head," he said. "My least favorite Avenger is Hawkass because if I said Red, I wouldn't live through the rest of this Q&A. Red is scary."

"Red is Natasha, by the way, and Hawkass is Clint," Peter explained to the camera. "This next question is not for either of us because I accidentally said that it was a Q&A for all of the Avengers and not just us, so we're going to have to find him."

The video cut to Steve sitting on an armchair and drawing in his sketchbook.

"Steve! ILoveCap123 wants to know if you're a virgin!" Peter said excitedly from behind the camera. In the background, you could hear a thud and some laughter as Tony fell on the floor, howling.

"Spider-Man, that is not an appro—" Natasha interrupted him.

"He is definitely not a virgin," she said, popping her head into the camera. "You can thank me for that."

"Natasha!" Steve cried, a blush creeping up his neck and onto his face.

"It's true," she said. "You heard it here first, folks. Black Widow was the lucky lady to deflower Captain America."

The video cut to Peter and Tony sitting on the couch again. Tony was wiping a tear from his eye as he tried to gather himself.

"The next question is from SpideyNo1Fan, and it says, 'I am Flash Thompson, and I am your biggest fan! Do you know Peter Parker?' Yes, Flash, I do know Peter Parker," Peter said. Tony immediately sobered up and stared at Peter with wide eyes.

"Kid!" he hissed.

"Shut up, Mr. Stark. Yes, I do know Peter Parker. He is Mr. Stark's favorite intern. Maybe I'll get him to be in a video one day." One of the eyes on the Spider-Man mask winked at the camera.

"You are going to kill me, kid," Tony muttered under his breath.

"This next question is from , and it says, 'Does Tony Stark have a secret kid?' Would you like to answer that, Mr. Stark?" Peter read.

"I do not have a secret kid," Tony clarified. "All of the rumors going around about me having a secret teenager are because of my intern, Peter. He is not my biological child."

"'Biological,'" Peter said. "This question is for Nat! Vamanos, mis amigos!"

The video cut to Natasha sitting on Steve's lap. Steve was still drawing, and Natasha was playing with his hair.

"Hey, Nat! RedheadsRule5678 wants to know what it's like being the first female Avenger," Peter said. Natasha smiled.

"It was a testosterone fest," she said. "Thank God I have Wanda and other female Avengers now. I don't know what I would have done if I had to work with only males for the rest of my life. They're stupid shits."

At that, everyone yelled, "Language!" from offscreen.

"Oh, come on!" Steve yelled, looking up from his sketchbook. "It was one time!"

Peter flipped the camera around to his face.

"That concludes the Q&A and today's vlog! Make sure to like, comment, and subscribe and follow all of my social media! Links are in the description! Bye!"

Everyone in the room yelled "Bye!" and the vlog cut off.


	3. Animal Crossing

"Hey, guys! It's P—Spider-Man coming back with another video," Peter said to the camera.

"Did you really have to say it like that?" Sam asked from the couch. The camera was flipped to show Sam sitting next to Bucky. Bucky was holding a controller and looking intently at the TV. "It was really cringey."

"I'm sorry you're not as cool as me, Sam," Peter said.

"Yeah, you're never gonna be cool, Sam," Bucky agreed. "Even your island sucks."

"My island does not suck!" Sam defended.

"Yes, it does!" Bucky argued. "How many villagers do you have? Two? You haven't even gone to invite more villagers yet!"

"I have invited them, they just haven't shown up yet, for your information," Sam said. "That's not my fault."

"Yes, it is, Sam. You haven't even set up the plots for their houses. I, however, have eight villagers already."

"Literally how? You've had this game for, like, a week!"

"I've had it for longer than a week, Sam, but I have paid off my third loan."

"You guys are so cute," Natasha said. The camera moved and showed her curled up in an armchair with Steve, reading a book. She didn't look up from it as she continued talking. "I have ten villagers and have paid off all of my loans already."

"Nat, you've literally had this game for less than a week," Sam said. "Is that even possible?"

"I have my ways," she said, "and no, I did not hack the game."

"Bucky, are you almost done?" Sam asked, poking Bucky's shoulder. "I want to play now."

"Tony literally bought us all our own Switches and games," Bucky said. "Why can't you just use that?"

"I will, but I want to use the TV."

"You literally have a TV on your own floor."

"But this one's bigger!"

"That's what she said," Peter said, giggling. Everybody looked at him with a raised eyebrow.

"No," Natasha said. "No dirty jokes. You're too baby."

"Yeah. What she said," Bucky agreed.

"I am not! I'm se—I mean...I'm old enough to make 'that's what she said' jokes!" Peter cried.

"Careful there, Spidey," Steve said.

"You're too baby," Natasha repeated. "No dirty jokes."

"When you lose your virginity, you can say dirty jokes," Sam said, still poking Bucky in the shoulder.

"Sam, stop! That's annoying! You're distracting me!" Bucky said, scooting away from Sam.

"You're literally playing Animal Crossing. Me distracting you doesn't get you killed or anything," he pointed out.

"I'm trying to catch this shark, and if you keep pestering me it'll get away!" Sam glared at him and then stood up directly in front of Bucky, blocking his line of vision.

"Sam!" Bucky grabbed Sam by the collar of his shirt and threw him across the room with his metal arm. "Look what you've made me do! The shark got away! I just need one more shark to complete the collection in the museum, and what if that was it?"

"What if it wasn't, though?" Sam asked, getting up from where he was thrown against the counter. There was a Falcon-sized dent in it now.

"Mr. Stark is going to kill you guys when he sees that hole," Peter said from behind the camera. "That is going to be the fifth one he's had to fix since Sunday. It's Tuesday."

"Then I would get 15,000 bells from it!"

"Can you guys argue a little bit closer together? I keep having to move the camera really fast between you two, and I think my viewers might be getting sick."

"What viewers?" Sam spat. Peter gasped.

"Excuse you, Samuel Thomas Wilson," he cried. "I have over two million subscribers!"

"And now those two million subscribers know my middle name! Thanks a lot, Spider-Man!"

"What's so bad about Thomas? I bet in another life, my name would be Thomas," Peter said. "I would be British, too, because British people have cool accents."

"That's what you get for making me lose that shark, Samuel!" Bucky laughed. "Except there will be more revenge later on, so beware."

"Do you wanna go, James Buchanan Barnes?" Sam cried. "I can take you!"

"No, you really couldn't, Sam," Peter said. Sam turned on Peter.

"I can take you, Spiderling," Sam said. "Let's go. Right now. Put the camera down, but make sure it's recording us, so your two million subscribers can see me wipe the floor with your ass."

"I've taken you down before. I can do it again," Peter said, deepening his voice. Steve snorted from where he was sitting.

"Ladies, calm down," Natasha said, finally looking up. "You guys are not fighting each other. Instead, Bucky is going to disconnect his Switch from the TV, so I can give your viewers a tour of my island." She set her book down and got off of Steve.

After several minutes of complaining from Bucky's part, Natasha's Switch was connected to the TV, and she was giving a tour of her island.

"My island is called 'Natopia' because no brainer," she said. "This is my house. Unlike the two incompetent losers over there," Sam and Bucky let out cries of disagreement, "my loans are completely paid off, and my house is the biggest it's going to get.

"This is my garden. It has all the fruits and flowers available in the game, and it is right in my backyard for my convenience."

After a tour of Natasha's island, she turned the game off and turned to the camera.

"Thank you for watching my island tour," she said. "Now I have to go put these two in time-out because they started fighting again." She gestured to Sam and Bucky who were poking each other violently.

"He started it!" they said at the same time, each of them pointing to the other.

"Sam was making fun of my island name!" Bucky cried.

"Buckyham Palace? Really? It's stupid!" **(AN: I got that from an Avengers group chat fic on Wattpad, but I don't remember which one)**

"Actually, it is pretty genius," Peter said, and Natasha made a noise of agreement.

"Ha! See? They think it's genius! What is your island called? Huh, Sam?" Bucky taunted. "Isn't it something stupid like Falconland or something?"

"It's actually Samland, for your information," Sam said. "It has the internal rhyme."

"Sam, seriously?" Steve chimed in. " _That's_ all you could come up with? I thought you were smarter than that."

"I'm _sorry_ , but I came up with it at, like, two A.M. What is yours called, Steven?"

"Brooklyn."

"Of course it is," Sam scoffed.

"Hey, Queens," Steve said. "What's yours called?"

"Tatooine," he answered. "It's _Star Wars_ themed."

"How long have we been in quarantine?" Sam asked, changing the subject.

"We're in quarantine? I thought you guys were just being antisocial," Bucky said.

"Yes, we are in quarantine. How did you not notice?" Steve said.

"This is my second time off of my floor in weeks. The other time was for that TikTok we did. Did it ever go viral?" he asked.

"Yes, of course it did," Peter said. "It got over six million likes."

"We've been in quarantine for two weeks," Natasha said, answering Sam's question. "Since March twenty-second. Why?"

"Only two weeks? I'm going crazy. I don't know if I can stand isolating with Bucky for any longer," Sam groaned.

"Excuse you, Samuel? Do you want to be thrown into the counter again?" Bucky asked, standing up from his spot and charging over to Sam.

"Okay, and that concludes today's vlog," Peter said hurriedly, flipping the camera around to show his masked face. "Thank you for watching. Please subscribe. Bye!"


	4. Cooking with Spidey

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: I'm sorry that this took me so long to get out. I've had the Google Doc for this open and half-finished for over a week now. Sorry if it's bad.

The video started with a picture of Spider-Man in a chef's hat holding a whisk and an empty bowl. Sparkly iMovie text appeared on the screen as Spider-Man said, "Cooking with Spidey!" in a sing-songy voice. The video cut to Spider-Man standing in a kitchen wearing the chef's hat.

"Hey everyone!" Peter said cheerfully. "Today I am going to be teaching you guys how to make chocolate chip cookies! I have our ingredients all measured out right here, so we can just get started!"

"I don't know if these are going to even be edible, so please do _not_ use this video as a tutorial," Tony said, poking his head in.

"Mr. Stark! That's mean!" Peter cried.

"Mean but true," Tony's voice called back.

"Ignore him. I can cook," Peter assured the camera. "I already washed my hands and preheated the oven, so our first step is to grease the cookie sheet."

Peter started spraying the pan, but the can was facing the wrong way, so he ended up greasing his mask instead.

"Do not grease your face," he said to the video, grabbing a towel and wiping his face off with it. "Make sure your can is facing the right way. I was just demonstrating what not to do, so you guys would have visuals."

"He wasn't," Bucky's voice said from offscreen. It sounded like he was across the room. "He's just that uncoordinated."

"Ignore him. He's an asshole," Peter said. "Anywho, next you sift the flour, baking soda, and salt together in a medium bowl. In order to do that, you just set your sifter down in the bowl and put the ingredients in it, so you don't have to hold it while you're pouring them in because that's just annoying. Then you just pick up the sifter and use the little handle thingy to sift it. It's really fun. I love sifting."

The video cut to Peter holding a stick of butter over the bowl.

"Once you've sifted, you put your butter, brown sugar, and sugar in a separate bowl, and then you mix it all together with an electric mixer!" Peter literally threw all the ingredients in the bowl, and then hung from the ceiling to mix it together.

"If you have long hair, make sure you tie it back," he said over the noise of the mixer. "Bucky made the mistake of using an electric mixer with his hair down once. It was not pretty."

"Excuse you, you little brat," Bucky yelled, running into frame. The video changed as Peter started screaming.

"Okay, so that was not pretty either," Peter said. Bucky could be seen webbed to the floor in the background. "Bucky made the mistake of attacking me while I was using an electric mixer, so I stuck it in his hair, and now he's webbed to the floor."

"I'm going to kill you," Bucky muttered ominously.

"Add your egg and vanilla!" Peter screeched, ignoring him.

"Oh my God, kid! Keep it down in there!" Sam's voice said from a few rooms down. "You made me reel in my fishing rod too early, and now the fish is gone!"

"Sorry!" Peter turned back to the camera. "Once you have that stuff added, mix more!"

The camera cut to Peter holding the bowl of flour, baking soda, and salt over the bowl of ingredients he just finished mixing.

"Add your bowl of sifted flour and stuff into the bowl of your butter and stuff in parts, and keep mixing everything together," he explained.

"You missed the conversation he had with the mixer," Bucky said, still webbed to the floor. "He said he's gonna cut it out, but I don't know why he would do that. It was very entertaining."

"I can't put it in the video because it has personal information, _Bucky_ ," Peter said as he poured some of the flour mixture in the bowl. He clicked on the mixer and started mixing again. "I have a secret identity for a reason."

"He was talking about his girlfriend," Bucky explained.

"She's not my girlfriend." Peter was glad the mask was covering up his bright blush at the moment. He'd never live it down.

"Oh, but you want her to be."

"Shut the fu—" The video cut to Peter holding a bag of chocolate chips over the bowl. "Now you pour your chocolate chips into the batter!" Peter then proceeded to dump the entire bag of chocolate chips in the batter.

"Dude, that's way too much," Bucky said. "There will be more chocolate chip than cookie."

"And your point is…?" Bucky rolled his eyes as Peter started folding the chips into the dough. A time lapse of Peter mixing the dough and scooping it onto the cookie sheet started.

"Once you've gotten your cookie balls scooped," Peter said when the time lapse stopped, "you put them in the oven for however many minutes. I don't really know."

"Please never say 'cookie balls' again," Tony said, walking through the kitchen. Peter giggled and opened the oven door.

"It's probably like fifteen or twenty minutes," he said. "Just keep an eye on them."

"I did warn you guys not to use this video as a tutorial!" Tony called. Peter rolled his eyes, and the eyes on the Spider-Man mask did their best to copy it.

"When I snap my fingers, the cookies will be done and cooled and ready to eat!" Peter said. "And snap!"

The video cut to Peter holding a cookie. His mask was pulled up to right above his mouth, so he could actually eat. Bucky had been unwebbed from the floor and grabbed a cookie for himself.

"Time to taste test. Three, two, one, and go!"

"Kid, this is like all chocolate chips," Bucky said through a mouthful of "cookie."

"It's good, though!"

"Ooh, do I smell cookies?" Natasha asked as she wandered into the kitchen and to said cookies. "How many chocolate chips are in these?"

"An entire jumbo bag!" Peter said victoriously. He put his chocolate-covered hands on his hips and puffed his chest out proudly.

"Other than the fact that there is way too much chocolate in this, these are pretty good," Natasha said when she swallowed a bite of cookie and walked away. "Good job, ребенок паук."

"Thank you, мама паук!" He turned to Bucky. "See? _Somebody's_ nice to me."

"And that somebody is not me," Bucky replied, turning on his heel and leaving the kitchen.

Peter scoffed and then turned back to the camera.

"Well, there you have it, folks! Homemade chocolate chip cookies! The recipe is in the description! Happy baking!" The intro video from the beginning played again, and the screen cut to black.


	5. Peter Reacts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I used the Spider-Man: Homecoming transcript on Transcripts Wiki for the scenes from the movie.

"Hello, everybody," Peter said. He was sitting at a desk in what appeared to be a bedroom. He was wearing a blue zip-up hoodie and his Spider-Man mask. "Today is going to be a little different. Instead of a vlog, I am going to be watching, narrating, and reacting to the footage in my mask from my patrols. Since I can't actually patrol because of social distancing, this is the next best thing. Karen, pull up my best patrol fails. Karen is my AI, by the way."

The video changed to a split screen. The main video was a blurry picture of the New York skyline, and Peter was at the bottom left corner. The video started playing, and it showed Spider-Man swinging through Queens from the mask's point of view. He was swinging and waving at passersby, who waved back excitedly. When he took out his phone and took a selfie, he let go of the web to do a peace sign and accidentally slammed into a building.

"I learned not to take selfies and swing after that," Peter said. "It gave me a nasty black eye and a broken nose. Luckily, thanks to my enhanced healing, I was fine, like, two hours later. Next video, please."

Before the video started, an edited-in text that read, "Warning! Blood ahead!" came on screen. It went away after a minute and the video resumed.

A man wearing a black hoodie and a ski mask came on. He was brandishing a knife at Spidey, who was dodging expertly.

"I guess it's _knife_ to meet you, too," Spidey said on the video. "Get it? 'Cause you're holding a knife and trying to stab m—"

Knife guy narrowed his eyes, growled (which was really weird), and ended up actually stabbing Peter.

"Dude, I thought we were cool," Spidey said, his hand immediately flying to his side to pull the knife out and cover his wound. He used his other hand to web the bad guy to the wall behind him as the video turned off.

"Ah, yes," Peter said nostalgically. "Bad guys with knives don't like knife puns. Don't worry, though. I was in a _stab_ le condition!" Peter laughed at his own joke as a laugh track sound effect played.

The next clip was at night at a gas station. Spidey was looking down at a gas station, specifically a car parked right in front of it.

"Oh, this one is me when I first found out about Karen!" Peter said. "I didn't know she existed or how to use her, so this entire night was a big fail. I ended up in the Damage Control Deep Storage Vault."

"Whoa, they're in the middle of a heist. I could catch them all red-handed. This is awesome," Spidey whispered eagerly. "Okay, I'm gonna get a little closer so I can see what's happening."

"Would you like me to engage Enhanced Combat Mode?" a female voice, Karen, said.

"Uh, Enhanced Combat Mode? Yeah."

"Activating Instant Kill."

"No, no, no, no, no, no, no!" Spidey said frantically. "I don't want to kill anybody!"

"Deactivating Instant Kill."

Spidey shot a web and jumped off of the sign he was perched on. The web, however, did not stay attached to his wrist, and he ended up falling on his face.

"What the hell just happened?" Spidey grunted. "What was that?"

"You jumped off the sign and landed on your face," Karen answered matter-of-factly. Spidey fired his webs again, but they came out more like bullets than webs.

"Suit lady, what's wrong with my web-shooters?"

"This was before I named her Karen," Peter chimed in. "I named her while I was trapped in the Damage Control vault."

"Rapid-fire is the default for Enhanced Combat Mode."

"Why would I need rapid fire?"

"Would you like to see more options?" Spidey looked down at his hands and a bunch of different web options were visible. "You have 576 possible web-shooter combinations."

"Whoa, Mr. Stark really overdid it," Spidey muttered. He hesitated for a minute while he decided. "That one."

"Great choice. Would you like me to set this as your new default?" Spidey shot a web at a sign, but the web was electrified, and the sign started to blink.

"No, no, no," he cried. He continued to struggle with his taser webs for a few moments before running behind the gas station and jumping on top of it. "What was that?"

"Taser webs," Karen said.

"Taser webs? I don't want taser webs!"

"You seem to be very unfamiliar with your web-shooter settings. Would you like to run a refresher course?"

"No, just…you choose."

"Sure thing."

The clip cut to Spidey standing on top of a moving car. The flying figure from before, Vulture, was out of his wingsuit and in front of him, and there was something purple on the roof.

"Hey, Big Bird! This doesn't belong to you!" Spidey yelled, shooting a web at Vulture's bag and snatching it. Vulture glared at him. "Oh God."

Vulture got back into his wingsuit and started flying at Spidey. Spidey jumped and fired his webs at him, but they were weak and went right past him.

"Suit lady, what was that?"

"You told me to choose!"

"Never let the AI choose," Peter said. "She will fail you."

Vulture attacked Spidey as Spidey balanced himself on the edge.

"What? No, just set everything back to normal!" Spidey shouted, grabbing Vulture's bag and pulling.

"Activating all systems," Karen said, and Spidey ripped the bag away from Vulture and fell through the purple stuff and into the truck. When he tried to jump up to get out, the portal was gone, and he slammed his head on the ceiling. The video ended.

"So that was how I got stuck in the most secure facility on the Eastern Seaboard," Peter said as the door to his bedroom opened, and Sam popped his head in.

"Why the hell are you sitting in your room talking to yourself?" he said.

"I'm filming a YouTube video," Peter explained, turning in his seat to face him. "I'm reacting to all my Spider-Man fails."

"Ooh, can I join?" Sam asked, coming further into the room. The eyes on Peter's mask squinted in a glare. "I want to see your fails."

"No, you can't," Peter said. "You can watch this video once it's uploaded."

"Ugh. Fine," Sam groaned, rolling his eyes and slamming the door behind him

"Now where were we?" Peter asked as he turned back to the camera. "I think we have time for one more long one or a couple more short ones...Hmmm...what to pick...what to pick." He sat back in his chair and tapped his chin as if deep in thought. "I know I literally just said not to let the AI choose, but that's only in combat. I'm sure it's fine if they choose for a YouTube video."

Karen chose a video of Spidey in a parking garage. He was marching purposefully up to a man, Aaron Davis, who was opening his car trunk.

"Oh God," Peter moaned. "Remember when I said you can let AIs choose for YouTube videos? Yeah, I take that back."

"Remember me?" Spidey asked in a voice so deep that it's comical.

"Uh, hey," Aaron said.

"I need information. You're gonna give it to me now," Spidey demanded.

"Alright! Chill."

"Come on!"

"What happened to your voice?"

"What do you mean, what happened to my voice?"

"I heard you by the bridge. I know what a girl sounds like."

"I'm not a girl! I'm a boy! I mean, I'm a—I'm a man!" Spidey insisted.

"I don't care what you are," Aaron said airily. "A boy, a girl…"

"I'm not a girl! I'm a man! Come on, man. Look, who is selling these weapons? I need to know. Give me names or else."

Aaron slammed the trunk, and Spidey jumped slightly.

"You ain't ever done this before, huh?" he asked.

"Deactivate interrogation mode," Spidey mumbled dejectedly. He started speaking again, and his voice was back to its normal squeak. "Look, man, these guys are selling weapons that are crazy dangerous. They can't just be out on the streets. Look, if one of them can just cut Delmar's bodega in half…"

"You know Delmar's?"

"Yeah. Best sandwich in Queens."

"Sub Haven's pretty good."

"It's too much bread."

"I like bread."

The clip cut to a few minutes later. Spidey leaned against Aaron's car, sighing.

"I do know where he's gonna be," Aaron said after a moment. Spidey perked up.

"Really?"

"Yeah. This crazy dude I used to work with, he's supposed to be doing a deal with him."

"Yes! Yes! Thank—" Spidey said, walking away happily and giggling.

"Hey, hey, hey," Aaron called after him. Spidey stopped and turned around. "I didn't tell you where. You don't have a location."

"Right, of course. Yeah, my bad. Silly me," Spidey said, running back and leaning against the car. "Yeah. Where is it?"

"Can I give you some advice?" Aaron suggested.

"Hmm?"

"You got to get better at this part of the job."

"I don't understand. I'm intimidating," Spidey said, crossing his arms and resting his back against the car.

"Staten Island Ferry. Eleven."

"Oh, that's soon. Hey, that's gonna dissolve in two hours," Spidey said, turning to leave.

"No, no, no, no!" Aaron yelled. "Come fix this!"

"Two hours. You deserve that!"

"I got ice cream in here!"

"You deserve that! You're a criminal! Bye, Mr. Criminal!" Spidey cried, waving and running off. The video turned off completely, and now Peter was on the full screen.

"I hope you enjoyed watching me embarrass myself," he said. "Really. I hope you got a kick out of it. I know Sam will whenever he sees this video. Bucky, too. Mr. Stark has naturally already gone through all of my videos, and I'm pretty sure I gave him a heart attack with the 'knife to meet you' one.

"Anywho, thanks for watching! Don't forget to like, comment, and subscribe! Bye!"


	6. A Scroll Through the Avengers' TikToks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> technically not peter-centered OR quarantine themed but here's this. also this takes place before everything so yeah

**natasharomanoff** ✓

**15.3M views**

**7.2M likes**

**206.6K comments**

**100.7K shares**

**_No, we’re not dating._ **

Steve and Natasha are standing in front of the camera. Natasha’s grinning maniacally, and Steve just looks confused but happy.

_I really, really, really, really, really…_

Steve grinned. Tony had shown him this song before, and he knew what was coming. He wrapped his arms around Natasha’s waist and started to pull her into a loose hug. They’d been dancing around each other for years now, and flirty, loving touches were normal for them.

Natasha, who was lip-syncing the words, had to bite back a laugh.

_...LIKE YOUR CUT G *smack*_

She reached her arm behind him and smacked him upside the head, bursting out into laughter. The video ended on Steve’s surprised face.

**steverogers✓**

<3

 **489.4K likes** • _liked by creator_

 **natasharomanoff✓** _creator_

<33

**therealtonystark✓**

this is cute. almost barfed but still cute

 **357.8K likes** • _liked by creator_

**iamspidey✓**

mr stark said to web you guys up in a closet until you have seggs

 **342.1K likes** • _liked by creator_

 **natasharomanoff✓** _creator_

@therealtonystark what the fuck

**peterparkour**

DID YOU SEE THE WAY CAP REACTED??? GET MARRIED

 **234.7K likes** • _liked by creator_

**scarlettsnatalia**

GUYS SHE’S LIKING ALL OF THEIR COMMENTS ABOUT THEM GETTING TOGETHER—

**5769 likes**

**avengers123456**

DID YOU SEE STEVE AND NAT’S HEARTS?!

**4673 likes**

o.O.o

**peterparkour**

**105.9K views**

**15.4K likes**

**6019 comments**

**3057 shares**

**_“someone tell nat and steve to just fck and get together already” -tony_ **

Peter was sitting in the common room at the compound. You could see Natasha in the background on the couch, sitting way too close to Steve for them to claim that they’re “just friends.” Clint was also in the background, hanging upside down from the ceiling out of the vent.

_I love to play with my—_

The text on the screen said,“You’re attracted to _who_?” and Peter made a face.

_SAY IT!_

_Balls._

“Kylo Ren”

_Well that doesn’t seem so bad._

_That’s, uh, that’s the wrong one._

_You don’t mean…?_

_I do. I do mean…_

A picture of the lego Kylo Ren popped up on the screen, and the video changed to slow-mo.

_Balls?!_

“LEGO?!”

**nedward**

omg you went viral

 **14.7K likes** • _liked by creator_

**michellejones**

we love a bi king

 **10.3K likes** • _liked by creator_

 **peterparkour** _creator_

i hope you know that i would leave you for lego kylo ren in a heartbeat

**shuri✓**

lego kylo ren hits different

 **9.7K likes** • _liked by creator_

o.O.o

**natasharomanoff✓**

**13.8M views**

**5.6M likes**

**180.9K comments**

**87.5K shares**

**_No hot super soldiers were harmed during the making of this video_ **

Natasha was sitting on her bed, holding her phone. She started lip syncing and fell back on the bed with a smile on her face.

_And I can’t take it back, so in the past is where we’ll leave it_

The video shook as Steve grabbed the phone out of her hands and started lip-syncing, looking very mock-disappointed.

_So there you go, oh. Can’t make a wife out of—_

Natasha came back in the camera, but this time she was holding a large blade. She held it up to Steve’s face, careful not to cut him, and said—

_A KNIFE!_

_NO!_

**scarlettsnatalia**

you literally cannot tell me that they’re not married

 **598.1K likes** • _liked by creator_

 **natasharomanoff✓** _creator_

We’re not married.

**scarlettsnatalia**

AJHKASGFJASHFGJHASJKDAGS

 **steverogers✓**

I was harmed I have a cut on my nose from this now

 **478.3K likes** • _liked by creator_

 **natasharomanoff✓** _creator_

Dude it’s gone now you’re literally a super soldier stop being a baby

 **steverogers✓**

It’s okay I forgive you

_liked by creator_

**natasharomanoff✓** _creator_

<3

 **bonkybarnes✓**

so when is my bsf getting laid

 **349.0K likes** • _liked by creator_

 **iamspidey✓**

notice how she liked it and didn’t respond

_liked by creator_

**bonkybarnes✓**

that’s sus

 **therealtonystark✓**

red is sus

**bluescluesisdaddy**

“hot super soldiers”

**125.6K likes**

o.O.o

 **samwilson✓**

**5.6M views**

**1.2M likes**

**34.9K comments**

**12.6K shares**

**_purple’s sus guys_ **

The camera was shaking as if the person holding it was trying to hold back laughter. Clint was standing in the middle of a hallway, looking mischievous.

All of a sudden, he jumped up and into the vent above him, and Sam, who was holding the camera, started running around screaming, “PURPLE VENTED GUYS! I SAW PURPLE VENT!”

**iamspidey✓**

guys i SWEAR i saw purple vent

 **13.5K likes** • _liked by creator_

 **natasharomanoff✓**

THAT’S what all of the yelling was about?!

 **10.9K likes** • _liked by creator_

 **hawkass✓**

i swear i didn’t guys he’s lying

 **7.3K likes** • _liked by creator_

o.O.o

 **natasharomanoff✓**

**60.3M views**

**18.9M likes**

**987.9K comments**

**765.1K shares**

**_Well that happened_ **

_Baby, you’re like lightning in a bottle_

Natasha set up her camera on the kitchen counter so that it wasn’t visible to Steve, who was standing at the microwave and had his back turned to her. She was giggling, and Steve looked over his shoulder and saw her making a TikTok and rolled his eyes. He turned back to the microwave, his hands on his hips and waiting for his food to be done.

The text on the screen said, "I decided to do the challenge where you kiss your best friend."

_I can’t let you go now that I got it_

Natasha shook her hands in nervousness before taking a deep breath and looking at the camera. She held a finger up to her lips in a _shush_ gesture and turned to Steve.

_And all I need is to be struck…_

She tapped on his shoulder and he turned to her.

_By your electric…_

“What?” he said, his voice not audible in the video. Natasha smirked and reached up and grabbed his face. Steve’s eyes widened comically.

_*beat drop* LOOOOOVE_

She brought his lips down to hers in a hard, deep kiss. He kissed back immediately, his arms wrapping around her waist and pulling her to him. She stumbled a bit at his forcefulness, but quickly regained her balance and dropped her hands down from his face to wrap her arms around his neck.

After a minute, she broke the kiss and buried her face in his neck. Steve was grinning and blushing, and he kissed her temple.

**iamspidey✓**

OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD

 **846.9K likes** • _liked by creator_

**peterparkour**

*insert IT’S HAPPENING gif from the office*

 **745.2K likes** • _liked by creator_

 **therealtonystark✓**

@hawkass  you owe me $200

 **672.1K likes** • _liked by creator_

 **hawkass✓**

why you’re a literal billionaire

 **therealtonystark✓**

you’re just salty you lost

 **natasharomanoff✓** _creator_

DID YOU GUYS BET ON US?!

 **bonkybarnes✓**

you guys are screwed i would sleep with one eye open tonight

 **natasharomanoff✓** _creator_

nothing they can do will stop me

 **steverogers✓**

I would offer to distract her for you *wink* but you ~did~ bet on us

_liked by creator_

**peterparkour**

since when does cap know gen z texting stuff

 **wandamaximoff✓**

SQUEAL

 **465.3K likes** • _liked by creator_

 **bonkybarnes✓**

it didn’t stay this wholesome for long trust me my room is right next to steve’s

 **442.7K likes** • _liked by creator_

 **natasharomanoff✓** _creator_

😏

 **steverogers✓**

BUCKY NO

 **iamspidey✓**

oh my god

**peterparkour**

LMAO

 **therealtonystark✓**

i might have to invest in some soundproofing

 **bonkybarnes✓**

WHY WAS THAT NOT A THING IN THE FIRST PLACE?!

 **samwilson✓**

$50 hand it over  @bonkybarnes 

**398.1K likes** • _liked by creator_

 **natasharomanoff✓** _creator_

Bucky not you too

 **steverogers✓**

What the hell is wrong with you guys

 **therealtonystark✓**

Language

 **natasharomanoff✓** _creator_

Language

 **hawkass✓**

language

 **samwilson✓**

language

 **steverogers✓**

IT WAS ONE TIME

 **bonkybarnes✓**

dammit

**jennysmith**

Natasha threatening the others and then steve sexing her up in the comments is everything

**129.3K likes**

**angiex**

The fact that they all bet on them getting together is everything

**blackwidowfanx**

the replies under @samwilson comment 💀

**98.9K likes**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the first one was inspired by a tiktok i saw about that


End file.
